When the darkness closes in, Lord...

Psalm 88 (The Message)

1-9 God, you're my last chance of the day. I spend the night on my knees before you.
Put me on your salvation agenda;
take notes on the trouble I'm in.
I've had my fill of trouble;
I'm camped on the edge of hell.
I'm written off as a lost cause,
one more statistic, a hopeless case.
Abandoned as already dead,
one more body in a stack of corpses,
And not so much as a gravestone—
I'm a black hole in oblivion.
You've dropped me into a bottomless pit,
sunk me in a pitch-black abyss.
I'm battered senseless by your rage,
relentlessly pounded by your waves of anger.
You turned my friends against me,
made me horrible to them.
I'm caught in a maze and can't find my way out,
blinded by tears of pain and frustration.

9-12 I call to you, God; all day I call.
I wring my hands, I plead for help.
Are the dead a live audience for your miracles?
Do ghosts ever join the choirs that praise you?
Does your love make any difference in a graveyard?
Is your faithful presence noticed in the corridors of hell?
Are your marvelous wonders ever seen in the dark,
your righteous ways noticed in the Land of No Memory?

13-18 I'm standing my ground, God, shouting for help,
at my prayers every morning, on my knees each daybreak.
Why, God, do you turn a deaf ear?
Why do you make yourself scarce?
For as long as I remember I've been hurting;
I've taken the worst you can hand out, and I've had it.
Your wildfire anger has blazed through my life;
I'm bleeding, black-and-blue.
You've attacked me fiercely from every side,
raining down blows till I'm nearly dead.
You made lover and neighbor alike dump me;
the only friend I have left is Darkness.

...Still I will say, "Blessed be the name of the Lord".

"God is my Shepherd, I won't be wanting, I won't be wanting.
He makes me rest in fields of green with quiet streams
Even though I walk through the valley of death and dying
I will not fear, for You are with me, You are with me.

Your shepherd staff comforts me
You are my feast in the presence of enemies
Surely goodness will follow me, follow me,
In the House of God forever". -Jon Foreman

--
2 of my room mates are leaving because "God is calling them to.. a new season..blahblahblah".
1 other room mate is called by God to another continent. Maybe.
Does it follow that God has called me to quit student council so I can work more?
Or perhaps this means that God has called me to live in poverty?
Did God call them to leave so that I can "endure and produce character" in living with people I don't readily love like these friends?

This is my frustration.

I am tired...
I would've thought of how my decisions will affect people.
Do others realize that?
Why do I have to push myself to "live well", "not give up", "not quit"... for the sake of others?
Why can't I just throw in the towel and say, "well.. God is giving me peace that He's calling me to something else".
What would happen if I just dropped everything and say "Oh.. God has called me to this and that.. see ya, sucka!"

I am embittered.
In anguish.
Sorrowful.
I can't even call my house a home anymore.
Every time I see other people, I can't concentrate on my work because all I can think about is the fact that they all are leaving me.
2 Harrington has ceased to be my refuge from the outside, miserable world.
For now, I guess.

Don't get me wrong, I love them.
I guess that's also what makes me sad.
Because... why do I always have to love people when sometimes what I really want (because I'm fallen and terrible.. ugh!) is to yell and make a fuss and hurt people.. "teach them a lesson". . burn their stuff. haha. :P

But in the end, whatever people perceive, I know that God is still good.
I can't see the bigger picture. I can't see the end result, but I know that He holds me.
It's not his fault that we so readily use His name in vain.
I guess I just feel betrayed.
..I know, I know no one is "betraying me".

...Still I will say, "Blessed be the name of the Lord".

Dang it, I can't wait to see the good that will come out of this.
Hopefully I can finish my paper by Friday (50 freaking per cent!) whether or not that good comes.