The Dzoey Update

Thoughts Beneath the Cotton Candy Sky

2009-04-04T19:43:00.004-04:00

The sky looks like a blanket of cotton candy- light blue and pink! And I'm stuck here at the reception desk, reading Plato and earning $11.25 every hour.

This too, shall pass.
This phase.
This moment.
It shall pass like so many things have.

I realized this last night.

During clean-up, one of my friends said, "I want to go hang out with everybody.. meet people I don't know yet".

EVERYBODY?! REALLY?!

That scared me.
Why?!

Before I could understand myself, I quickly approached Laura-Ashleigh and asked for a ride home. And she said yes. And so, we went.

I used to like "hanging out with everybody". I used to be a party girl-- centre of attention, flirty, and fun. But now, all I wanted was to go home after a long day, and hopefully see my man before going to bed. Don't get me wrong, I like parties. But not the kind where you are with everybody including people you barely know. I like the kind of parties that are get-togethers, laughing with friends, colleagues, maybe drinking wine, but nothing loud or crazy. At this point in life, I've already established my group of friends, and banquet after-parties is not the place I want to "meet people" anymore. Besides, most of the attendees were at least 4 years younger than me... and in a different place in life.

After thinking about such things, I found myself feeling unhip, uncool, venting to Kristin, Caitlin, and Jon (on the phone- one after the other). I'm old! I like to rest, watch movies, sleep, veg in front of the tube, or do yoga when I'm not working or studying. I'd take coffee dates over clubbing any day. I save money more than splurge now. I make practical buys.

Then Jon came over with a small tub of Ben & Jerry's frozen yogurt and comforted me.

"It's just part of growing up," he said.

I guess in university, everyone's in a different place.
I just happen to be in the minority of last night's crowd.
I'm 23, in a serious relationship, trying to save money, and have learned to be disciplined.

My high school days have passed.
My emergent church phase has passed.
And this quarter-life crisis, too, shall pass. :)

Journal Excerpt: Waiting for Deliverance from Forced Idleness

2009-03-22T21:58:00.005-04:00

I don’t think that God ever calls us to be idle. God calls us either to minister or be ministered to, and often, both... but not neither. Not having any of the two is being idle.

I’ve been in Toronto for 3 years now, and at first, I have to admit, I was the one who decided on not having a home church the first year. But yeah... [censored stuff]

Today, I was so sad because I felt like I’ve been forced to become the very thing I preached against- I have become a mere “Sunday church goer”. There are times for that, I know. But this doesn’t sit right with my spirit. And no one's to blame. I just have to wait... wait on God.

God, please help me not keep having a bad attitude. Heal my impatience, anguish, and frustration. Help me see the dreams you’ve put in my heart- help me know how to respond to Your beckoning. I know You keep on showing me that ministry is such a passion I can't get rid of, but the situation I’m in seems to make it impossible. What can I do with how things are now?

Let me hear Your voice. Let us hear Your guiding voice.

Father, forgive me for not looking to You and Your faithfulness this morning. Thank you though for reminding me. You ARE faithful, and what You have spoken, You will do.

Praise belongs to You, oh God.
And my life is Yours alone.

Amen.

Ephesians 5:17

2009-03-10T18:24:00.003-04:00

The verse says that we must understand what the will of the Lord is. At first I thought, well is it God's will for me to go to grad school? Great. How will I reconcile such a verse with libertarian freedom? I can't give up libertarian freedom coz it solves the problem of evil for me. Darn. What now??

Then I remembered what I learned in seminary: Look at the context of the whole passage!!!

The verse was in a bigger passage. Paul was talking to new believers and explaining to them that now that they are children of light, they must put away the old ways of darkness and walk in the way of Christ-- righteousness, love, etc. (Against such things... such fruits of the Spirit... there is no law (Galatians) :).

So whether or not I choose to go to grad school, whether or not I eat cereal for breakfast or skip breakfast... the will of the Lord is that I walk in the spirit and live as His redeemed.

Philosophy + Hermeneutics = Unconfused and Libertarian Me. :)

From Rat-Race to Kingdom

2009-02-13T21:30:00.001-05:00

How's my joy? Better than last semester.
Stressed? Yeah, but only as expected.
...Ho hum.

I have a suspicion that this is not what God intended our lives to be like. And yet we keep on going, hanging on to that one Kingdom value we know how to apply today. We go on our busy days praying that God give us that "extra strength" as we take our vitamins and be energized with caffeine. After all, we're doing what He's called us to do. ....right? It reminds me of tomorrow's devotion which caught my eye from reading today's. I peeked. It had a section in which it distinguished "Rat-Race values" from "Kingdom Values":

Busyness
Living an unhurried rhythm
Self-sufficiency
Intimacy and Trust
Individualism
Community
Consumerism
Simplicity and Contentment
Competitiveness
Humility

I don't know how to make sense of this.
I mean, the apostle Paul was all for working hard and the "Protestant Work Ethic", and yet our working world seems to have materials and worldly success as its idols. And yes, as Christians, of course, we are mindful of that and make sure that "Jesus comes first". We are. Aren't we? We do.... right? Which is why our physical and spiritual health come before making money. And surely, our time with God is never put aside to make room for just one more meeting because of conflict in schedules. And of course, we don't always make the excuse that "God will understand that this week is just way too busy. We can pray while we work". ....right?

Hmmmm...
Where is the balance?

I want to be a good ambassador for Jesus, but I think I should want to just be all for Jesus first.

So how do I do that?
Jesus said that his yoke is easy, his burden is light.
Did I take up the world's burdens instead?

All I know is I have not truly been faithful with my Sabbath-keeping.
I am sustained by His grace alone. And because of His grace, I strive to live the Jesus Way better.

Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Surprises...

2009-01-19T22:28:00.001-05:00

...Let me know he cares. (:

The System

2009-01-15T09:06:00.003-05:00

The System woos with glitter and piety.
All are beckoned to come take part.
One says to another: "follow your dreams"
but everyone knows, it's not what it seems.

Only some dreams are worth pursuing--
Fortune, fame, positions, and titles--
those which add letters to your name.
Doctor, Pastor, Song-writer-- it's all the same.

*to be continued?*

--
So is this what you call a prose, Mel?
Or still a poem?
:P
I'd rather give syllogisms.

Gentle Reminders and "String with the Spirit"

2009-01-04T22:36:00.003-05:00

God has been giving me gentle reminders lately. Like last night's impromptu bible study I had with my love before going to bed-- the one about Esau.

Today, I did not want to get up. Mostly because of jetlag, but partly because I did not want to go to church. I guess you can say part of me still has "beef" with mega-churches. Well, not really. I'm almost over it. But you get the gist.

So anyway, I got there all sleepy and stuff and unenthusiastic, but as I looked around me and saw how worship was and then thought about how worship (through music, I must clarify) could and should be, I had this "burden". As if God just turned my head towards Jon and opened my mouth to say, "Can I help you with worship later?". He coaches one of the youth bands and I wanted to come and give my little worship pastor type of advice.

And I did.

And afterward, one of the vocalists said "thank you. You were very helpful". And it seemed like they got it... what I was trying to say. What I thought the Spirit was wanting to say.

After church, I randomly said to Jon in my cute whiny voice (hehe) "I don't want to open my heart to them". And instantly, God's Spirit whispered to me: "You should learn how to love others selflessly for My sake." Wow. So true. I should get rid of the fear that I may get hurt again or that people always leave or that I'd have to change churches, blahblahblah. I should love the people God called me to at the moment selflessly... not for what I can gain but for what He wants to do in and through me at that moment.

True enough, God confirmed these words He was speaking to me. I just opened my devotional by Jill Briscoe and it's entitled "Striving With the Spirit". It said:
"Whenever God does anything big, he does it by his Spirit. One of the biggest things he does is change self-seeking people into servants!"

Furthermore, God used all of today's series of thoughts and events as another gentle reminder that I should take on the same attitude towards being in student council this semester.

Lord, have mercy. Please extend Your grace to me and help me through another semester. May it be better only for Your glory. In Your Name, Amen.

Jon and Jo Files: Christmas in Seattle

2009-01-03T22:11:00.001-05:00

So Jon and I went to Seattle over Christmas to visit my mom's side of the family. We left right after RH3C's Christmas service. We are cheap so our flights had to be on Christmas day and new year's eve. But heck, it got us there and back and we got to celebrate with my relatives. Our worlds are colliding which is great because that's what happens to people who love each other. Another thing that happens to people who love each other is that they get engaged.

Hold your horses.
It's my roomie's turn first.
She's been waiting for a long time and the time has come! :)
I'm so happy for her!!!!!!!!! :)

Anywhooooz. Here is our slideshow:

6 cups of wrath and the sunday milk

2008-12-20T18:56:00.002-05:00

That was my life aside from papers during the last half of the semester.
Six cups of wrath and the cup of milk on Sundays.

Jon and I decided that we need a balance in our devotional readings. Not just the prophets.
Especially because that's all I've been getting aside from "The Sunday Milk" which is only for babies. Adult Christians can't live off of that. I really need to 'up' my daily devotions and get back to that or else I will spiritually die. And... maybe we should make an effort to attend Tilt at nights again..... it's just that our Sunday mornings usually start at 730am.

Jesus, please give us a home church in 2009.

In the midst of all the crap Jeremiah saw....

2008-12-02T10:49:00.001-05:00

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.
His mercies never come to an end.
They are new every morning.
Great is Your faithfulness, O Lord."
[Read Lamentations 3]

THANK YOU, JESUS.

I need You, Jesus, to come to my rescue.

2008-11-17T08:20:00.004-05:00

I'm STILL sick... but STILL writing papers.
It's come to the point where I have to decide which to skip out on: seeing the doctor about my horrendous cough (that made me throw up a couple of times and go in and out of class....) or going to classes. :(

I might fail out in school.
I should have taken those appeals.

I'm at the end of my rope here....

Drowing in Papers.

2008-11-12T09:33:00.003-05:00

PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS
PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS
PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS

DROWNING IN
PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS
PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS PAPERS

General Update

2008-11-07T16:11:00.002-05:00

- Student Accounts: SORTED OUT. Praise the Lord.
- Banquet Prep: ALMOST DONE. Praise the Lord.
- Managing Emotions: WORKING ON IT. Praise the Lord.
- Relationships: LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. Praise the Lord.
- Schoolwork: I'LL GET TO IT RIGHT NOW!. Praise the Lord. Help me, God.

The End. :)

I hate it when...

2008-11-05T22:10:00.001-05:00

I get an email from school saying that I owe them tuition fees when I've already paid them and they've told me that I'm eligible for scholarship.

God, please take away my anger.

This is long but I promise it's worth reading.

2008-10-29T14:02:00.005-04:00

Current physical state: I hope that when I recover, no new ailment comes up. Lately it's been one after another. ...Throat is better; muscles are generally better; just had the craziest contractions-- I felt like I was birthing my intestines out! Gross. My room mates think that I’m developing lactose-intolerance. I had spinach-feta-tomato omelette at the Pickle Barrel with Jon this morning after my visit to the clinic which had no doctors :( Thank God for Wayne Hsieh who I can call anytime. Hmm... There is a lot to reflect on. I have learned so much these past couple of really crappy-hard weeks. Hmm.. I shall summarize and compartmentalize.

1. THE BIRTHDAY SURPRISE.
I called Jon last night and something along the lines of this: “On Sunday, because of the accident, I don’t think I was able to express this very well. I just want you to know that I really really loved your surprise. I really enjoyed it. The show was glorious. Thank you!” :) I could tell that he really appreciated me telling him that. :) So You Think You Can Dance? 2008 Tour. The only one in Canada. I got to see it on my birthday, with the man I love the most. God protected us that day. My love is alive and well. I am blessed. A most memorable 23rd birthday!

2. GRATEFULNESS.
Last night, my room mates and I were got to share and pray together. I said that I was sick of being sick, but I know better than to be angry at God for it this time. hehe. :) We were all stressed about different things-- my body, Laura’s B.Ed madness, Alyssa’s tears.., Amie’s singleness and life coming up. When I prayed, the Spirit prompted me to thank the Lord! Thank God that we have the opportunity to be educated; thank God that we have friends to love and grow with; thank God that we have a house to live in and we’re not starving; thank God that I’m still alive and not even close to dead despite of all my ailments; thank God for lessons to learn... A lot of times, we focus on what we don’t have and what we’re lacking, and we fail to notice the ABUNDANCE of good things that God has given us. We are all SO BLESSED despite of the “crappy things” we are going through. We keep on falling short of His glory. I asked that God would help us to always be grateful. He is always, always, with us and taking care of us. The words of the Bible are true-- He won’t ever leave us nor forsake us! God, make us so grateful. :)

3. BEARING ONE ANOTHERS’ BURDENS
Yesterday, I stayed at home and because of the accident which interrupted my life, I wasn’t able to prepare for the birthday lunch I was gonna have with my “Girl Class” (Kristin Spino-Mauceri, Caitlin Armstrong, Melody Thompson, Vanessa Collins.. Alyssa joined us too!). Before that, I was planning to go to chapel so Kristin was going to give me a ride, but I was in pain and decided to take two days rest (yesterday and today). So instead, they all came over with gifts, Swiss Chalet, and the Robitussin for my phlegmy and hurting throat. I told them that lately, everyone, especially Jon, has been taking care of me and I feel bad. My roomies get stuff for me in the house; Jon’s been driving me around and helping me with everything; Tarryn drove me to school the other day. I love taking care of everyone else but I feel bad when people take care of me. Which, I “know”, is silly. They told me that I have to let them take care of me. They wouldn’t let me get up to take anything to and from the kitchen because I was hurting. They ordered me to sit my butt down and let them do everything. It was a little uncomfortable, but I kept being reminded of something Ashley Saunders told me last week when I was needing encouragement: “This is what the body [of Christ] is for”.

And it’s not just for the sick.
Vanessa was sharing about how behind she was at schoolwork as well (Everyone's been struggling with schoolwork lately, eh?). So, Kristin (who likes working at home) offered for all of us to meet up in the library and work together. She said it’s because “that’s what Vanessa needs, so we should!”. Again I thought, yeah... when someone in the Body of Christ is suffering in one way or another, we shouldn’t hesitate to actually DO something about it. Everyone is learning to offer prayer (which is great and which I always appreciate!), but not everyone goes out of their way to practically help. I think of how God’s been really teaching me this lately.

When two of my friends didn’t have food, I felt like God wanted me to not just pray for their situation, but to feed them! When Aylish’s friend, Louis Dussome, didn’t have a place to stay, Aylish asked me to pray for him, but I really felt like God was leading me to ask someone to let him stay in their room. Thank God for Matt Murray! :) And now... Louis has his own house!

Also, I think of the lady who stayed at Tyndale and booked a guestroom at reception. She came back and gave me and Jon a slice of the pizza that they ordered. She said “we’re Christians so we share!” and I said, “not all Christians are willing to share”. I guess that’s why I felt weird taking the pizza at first.. and why I feel awkward when people go out of their way to do things for me. Not everyone in the Church actually wants to help.

But this is not the way of Christ.
We are called to bear one anothers’ burden.
If someone is hungry, we don’t just hope for them to find food and go our way. We stop and give them food.

Father, please continue to teach us Your ways. What does Your economy and society look like? Let us see Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Word on the street...

2008-10-25T16:13:00.001-04:00

is that I turn 23 tomorrow. =)

Perfect Peace.

2008-10-21T20:46:00.001-04:00

I was really upset about the house situation, BUT... through Jon and some other friends, and of course His word, I have been reminded to just trust in His faithfulness and to not panic. :)

"Jesus, Jesus,
how I trust Him,
how I've proved Him o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus
Precious Jesus
O for grace to trust Him more". :)

This is how I know that I'll be alright.

My current housemates and I are good... and they understnad where I'm coming from and we're all gonna be praying together for replacements. So far there are a couple people interested to live with me for the winter so that's good. :) It might just be hard this Fall.. but they better pay up if we cant find a replacement for these next two months. Lol.

This is all for now.. I have like 5 papers to write before the term ends... 5 or.. 3 really long ones.
That's a lot... on top of all the readings. boo!!!

But.. I'm once again trying this anxiety-fast. ;)
And considering the discipline of frugality.
I didn't spend anything today... except the 3 dollars Mel needed.

"God will work out all things
for the good of those who love Him
and are called according to His purpose." (Rom. 8:28)

When the darkness closes in, Lord...

2008-10-19T08:57:00.007-04:00

Psalm 88 (The Message)

1-9 God, you're my last chance of the day. I spend the night on my knees before you.
Put me on your salvation agenda;
take notes on the trouble I'm in.
I've had my fill of trouble;
I'm camped on the edge of hell.
I'm written off as a lost cause,
one more statistic, a hopeless case.
Abandoned as already dead,
one more body in a stack of corpses,
And not so much as a gravestone—
I'm a black hole in oblivion.
You've dropped me into a bottomless pit,
sunk me in a pitch-black abyss.
I'm battered senseless by your rage,
relentlessly pounded by your waves of anger.
You turned my friends against me,
made me horrible to them.
I'm caught in a maze and can't find my way out,
blinded by tears of pain and frustration.

9-12 I call to you, God; all day I call.
I wring my hands, I plead for help.
Are the dead a live audience for your miracles?
Do ghosts ever join the choirs that praise you?
Does your love make any difference in a graveyard?
Is your faithful presence noticed in the corridors of hell?
Are your marvelous wonders ever seen in the dark,
your righteous ways noticed in the Land of No Memory?

13-18 I'm standing my ground, God, shouting for help,
at my prayers every morning, on my knees each daybreak.
Why, God, do you turn a deaf ear?
Why do you make yourself scarce?
For as long as I remember I've been hurting;
I've taken the worst you can hand out, and I've had it.
Your wildfire anger has blazed through my life;
I'm bleeding, black-and-blue.
You've attacked me fiercely from every side,
raining down blows till I'm nearly dead.
You made lover and neighbor alike dump me;
the only friend I have left is Darkness.

...Still I will say, "Blessed be the name of the Lord".

"God is my Shepherd, I won't be wanting, I won't be wanting.
He makes me rest in fields of green with quiet streams
Even though I walk through the valley of death and dying
I will not fear, for You are with me, You are with me.

Your shepherd staff comforts me
You are my feast in the presence of enemies
Surely goodness will follow me, follow me,
In the House of God forever". -Jon Foreman

--
2 of my room mates are leaving because "God is calling them to.. a new season..blahblahblah".
1 other room mate is called by God to another continent. Maybe.
Does it follow that God has called me to quit student council so I can work more?
Or perhaps this means that God has called me to live in poverty?
Did God call them to leave so that I can "endure and produce character" in living with people I don't readily love like these friends?

This is my frustration.

I am tired...
I would've thought of how my decisions will affect people.
Do others realize that?
Why do I have to push myself to "live well", "not give up", "not quit"... for the sake of others?
Why can't I just throw in the towel and say, "well.. God is giving me peace that He's calling me to something else".
What would happen if I just dropped everything and say "Oh.. God has called me to this and that.. see ya, sucka!"

I am embittered.
In anguish.
Sorrowful.
I can't even call my house a home anymore.
Every time I see other people, I can't concentrate on my work because all I can think about is the fact that they all are leaving me.
2 Harrington has ceased to be my refuge from the outside, miserable world.
For now, I guess.

Don't get me wrong, I love them.
I guess that's also what makes me sad.
Because... why do I always have to love people when sometimes what I really want (because I'm fallen and terrible.. ugh!) is to yell and make a fuss and hurt people.. "teach them a lesson". . burn their stuff. haha. :P

But in the end, whatever people perceive, I know that God is still good.
I can't see the bigger picture. I can't see the end result, but I know that He holds me.
It's not his fault that we so readily use His name in vain.
I guess I just feel betrayed.
..I know, I know no one is "betraying me".

...Still I will say, "Blessed be the name of the Lord".

Dang it, I can't wait to see the good that will come out of this.
Hopefully I can finish my paper by Friday (50 freaking per cent!) whether or not that good comes.

Tyndale Dance Team - "Glory Come Down" (Sara Groves)

2008-10-17T15:46:00.002-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JsPLbDsofkU

Casie, Me, Abby, Danielle.

Arise, Shine!

2008-10-07T10:02:00.003-04:00

“If you need inspiration to get up, look outside. The sun is shining so brightly! Let’s get up and take on this day.”
-my dear Jon Nip’s wake up call.

It is a beautiful day. I’m glad I got up.
I feel better too!

The sun’s rays call me out of this dark basement. God calls me out of this gloominess in me.
Yes, Lord Jesus. I say yes to you this day.

“Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you.
Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you-- a prophet to the nations-- that’s what I had in mind for you...
I’ll tell you where to go and you’ll go there. I’ll tell you what to say and you’ll say it. Don’t be afraid of a soul. I’ll be right there, looking after you....
you-- up on your feet and get dressed for work! Stand up and say your piece. Say exactly what I tell you to say....
I’ll back you up every inch of the way.”
- Jeremiah 1 (MSG)

Groaning (Romans 8)

2008-10-06T16:39:00.001-04:00

“There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
i wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful” -Brooke Fraser’s song: “Faithful”

Isaiah 57: 16-19

2008-09-27T08:56:00.002-04:00

"16 I will not accuse forever,
nor will I always be angry,
for then the spirit of man would grow faint before me—
the breath of man that I have created.

17 I was enraged by his sinful greed;
I punished him, and hid my face in anger,
yet he kept on in his willful ways.

18 I have seen his ways, but I will heal him;
I will guide him and restore comfort to him,

19 creating praise on the lips of the mourners in Israel.
Peace, peace, to those far and near,"
says the LORD. "And I will heal them." " [NIV]

"I live in the high and holy places,
but also with the low-spirited, the spirit-crushed,
And what I do is put new spirit in them,
get them up and on their feet again.
For I'm not going to haul people into court endlessly,
I'm not going to be angry forever.
Otherwise, people would lose heart.
These souls I created would tire out and give up.
I was angry, good and angry, because of Israel's sins.
I struck him hard and turned away in anger,
while he kept at his stubborn, willful ways.
When I looked again and saw what he was doing,
I decided to heal him, lead him, and comfort him,
creating a new language of praise for the mourners.
Peace to the far-off, peace to the near-at-hand," says God—
"and yes, I will heal them." [MSG]

---

"Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God
You are amazing God"
-Chris Tomlin's Indescribable

September's not over and already, my body screams "VACATION!"

2008-09-20T21:04:00.006-04:00

Academics.......... *sigh*

Don't get me wrong. I love the mind-stimulating discussions especially in our boardroom-style U.S. Foreign Policy class. However, I feel like after 4 years of undergrad work, I am beginning to feel the rut. I'm in my 2nd last year. The end is so close and yet so far. I just don't have that DRIVE anymore. I got my scholarship for this year, but I need to work just as hard to earn it again. Besides school, I have to make sure money is coming in and that I'm saving.

But at the same time, I just can't wait to get less hours at work.
I just can't wait to graduate already! At least when I'm working full time, I can leave work at work. No more of these readings and papers outside of class time.

Student council & ministries.. I love doing them and I wish I was more rested and not always feeling like I'm falling short/ inadequate... lately that's how it's been with 28 hours of work a week. :P But that'll change when October comes.. and I thank God for His grace that sustains me.

Then there are house chores that I barely have time for....

but I am grateful because in all this, God has blessed me with someone who keeps encouraging me and inspiring me to live well for Christ-- Jon Nip, the man I love. :) He is a gift from God. And everyday is a gift from God. I thank God for the little things I get to enjoy each day-- my comfy bed, coffee and green tea, The Message, sushi runs, colours, friends, laughter, etc. And when the temptation for "mere busywork" comes in, God helps me STOP, breathe, know that He is God and see what He is doing all around me.

Nevertheless, I still can't deny that my body is tired and it craves true REST. Maybe next Friday, I'll hit a spa and pamper myself. :) Jeez, I'm getting old!

Season 6.

2008-09-14T13:29:00.003-04:00

Especially for Kakang and Geno and Jai and Ba:

Peyton and Lucas are getting married, guyst!

-Ba is a working man.
-Kakang is an Ate na and has more direction in life.
-Jai has a new church na. [wow, nag move on na talaga!]
-Gen.. ano balita? Basta lam ko graduate ka na din. :)
-I have found the love of my life
-I am earning/saving na din... with 15 courses to go.
-Abril is preggy.
-Mik is happily married.

Dami pa...

Season 6 na tayo ah... come on, let's go.

:)

How PMSing made my boyfriend a winner.

2008-08-20T20:58:00.004-04:00

Yesterday and today I have been:
-eating LOTS.
-crying more over nothing (like XMEN 2.. who cries over that?!)
-craving sweets and salty foods like no other.
-whining.

You guessed it-- premenstrual syndrome.
I whined to my boyfriend about it.

Next thing I knew, he came to my work, bringing two tarts and a hug!

I was tearing up tears of joy.
I have the sweetest boyfriend in the history of the world.
All other girls who are PMSing don't have it as good as me right now.

I am grateful. :)

miss ko ang mahal ko. bow. <3

2008-08-20T18:20:00.007-04:00

pag di kami nagkita ngayong araw na 'to.. first time naming di magkikita since naging official kami. ayos lang.. pero namiss ko lang yung text nya kasi buong araw ata syang busy. at least narinig ko boses nya nung umaga... :)

ano ba yan.. exag naman ang love ko para sa kanya. hehe. lovestoned nga daw eh. kagabi, sinabi ko sa kanya na "hearing from you and seeing you is my favorite parts of my days". :)

Pictures!

2008-08-19T15:03:00.003-04:00

August 6 - SYTYCD

Frankies and Rocha's

Josh eating cream puff with salt and shrimp sauce, etc.
@Gen's. Lantern Festival. St. Louis.

My Psalm (Out of our meditation @ TILT last Sunday)

2008-08-18T17:19:00.002-04:00

God, You know that I want to do right.
Father, You know that I want to be blameless in dealing with my accusers.
They spend their time complaining about me, slandering about me, and getting others to hate me.
No one tells it to my face.
In front of me, they speak such sweet words-- were they all lies?

But Lord, You have been patient with me;
help me be patient with them.
You have forgiven me;
help me forgive them.

I hate what they do, and I hate when I do it too.
Lord, have mercy on us;
have mercy on me, a sinner.

God, Your love is strong enough.
Bring healing;
restore us;
bring true reconciliation--
for Your name's sake.
That we, Your children, may praise You together.

Come, Jesus, come.
Bring light into our darkness,
and let Your conviction be strong.
Heal our lying lips that we may praise You in Your sanctuary.

Psalm 69 [ESV] and my own response.

2008-08-17T12:29:00.003-04:00

"Save me, O God!
For the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in deep mire,
where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters,
and the flood sweeps over me.
I am weary with my crying out;
my throat is parched.
My eyes grow dim
with waiting for my God.
More in number than the hairs of my head
are those who hate me without cause [not for me... only like... 2 or 3];
mighty are those who would destroy me,
those who attack me with lies.
What I did not steal
must I now restore?
O God, you know my folly;
the wrongs I have done are not hidden from you.
Let not those who hope in you be put to shame through me.
O Lord God of hosts;
let not those who seek you be brought
to dishonor through me, O God of Israel.
For it is for your sake that I have borne reproach,
that dishonor has covered my face....
But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord.
At an acceptable time, O God,
in the abundance of your steadfast love
answer me in your saving faithfulness.
Deliver me from sinking in the mire;
let me be delivered from my enemies
and from the deep waters.
Let not the flood sweep over me,
or the deep swallow me up,
or the pit close its mouth over me.
Answer me, O Lord, for your steadfast love is good;
according to your abundant mercy, turn to me.
Hide not your face from your servant;
for I am in distress; make haste to answer me.
Draw near to my soul, redeem me;
ransom me because of my enemies!
You know my reproach,
and my shame and my dishonor,
my foes are all known to you.
Reproaches have broken my heart,
so that I am in despair.
I looked for pity, but there was none,
and for comforters, but I found none [well.. I did.. thank You God for real friends.:)]
......"

God, You are good.
You fight for me.
You will deliver me.
You do not change.
I will praise You in hard times.
I will praise You for your gifts.
I love life even when it is difficult, for You are in it.
So I will dance,
lift up my hands,
and praise You with my whole heart.
You are good;
You are faithful;
You're my God.

Love Always Hopes [no eloquence intended]

2008-08-16T10:22:00.004-04:00

Sometimes, we're just stuck with jerks. The "good Christian" will of course think of doing the right thing-- try and love the jerk. This is my initial response to jerk moves that were done to me, but God convicted me: "love the jerk"?! that is no love at all.

Because love always hopes.

It hopes that that person is NOT a jerk, but is a work-in-progress just like everyone else.
It hopes in people, who, just like me intentionally/unintentionally hurt others at times.
It hopes that when you enter that room where they are, you will give them the benefit of the doubt that today, they may try to be nice.
It hopes in a God who is big enough to change hearts.

Love always hopes.
To love that "jerk" is not to be content with him/her being jerkish but to hope and pray that they will be better. Just like you hope to be better.

And if they do it again...
you allow yourself to be frustrated, to hurt and cry...
Then God shows you that you are just like them-- broken, hurting, jerkish sometimes..a lot of times.

One of my friends was talking about Christians being hypocrites and stuff. Yeah, that's true... but that's why we all are grateful that Christ has shown mercy to us sinners. "I'm not perfect, but I'm forgiven...[and trying to be better by His grace]".

Father, again, I ask... have mercy on me, a sinner. It hurts... but have mercy on ME. I'm no better than my "oppressors".

Help me want to try everyday, God... Everyday, help me to forgive, let go, and love.

On that note, my conversations last night with people who keep me accountable, led me to realize that sometimes, the best way to love a person is to let go and pray for them at a distance... even if they'll accuse you of... stuff.. and say mean things.

Wow.. so not eloquent, eh? That's what happens when you stay up crying about this. But God is so good.. and He is my hope. :) And... besides, I have so much to be grateful for-- my family, my boyfriend, my mentor, and having a lot of true friends. :)

I'm really not THAT lovable for EVERYONE to like me and be kind to me. Lol. And that's okay. ;)

Laundry

2008-08-06T02:54:00.003-04:00

It's almost 3am and the my clothes are in the dryer. I think I'm going to bed. And tomorrow, it's gonna suck having to fold everything. Ugh.

Other than that.... :) :) :) :) *teehee*

Thoughts on this Quarter-Life Non-Crisis.

2008-08-05T21:38:00.007-04:00

At the Spino-Mauceri wedding, when my girls and I were in the powder room, Caitlin suggested that we should all get together soon for a potluck and recipe-swap gathering. We were all excited just thinking about it-- of course, it would have to be after Kristin gets back from their honeymoon. Then.. *insert screeching tires sound* my excitement paused for a bit, and I said something along the lings of: "Wow.. are we that old?! Exchanging recipes is our idea of fun?!" I said it with a smile, though. This is a quarter-life non-crisis. It's a bit scary-- this getting older business, but also quite exciting. Caitlin quickly came up with an excuse, saying that we are all living on our own now and need to learn how to cook. Besides, two out of the six of us have hubbies now. Yikes.

And I have two godchildren. :)

I was telling this story to Jon after church yesterday. It just so happened that at that moment, we noticed the old people across from us. OH NO! I hope they didn't hear me say "I don't wanna be 40 and old!" They were well over their 70s. But as we kept watching these old folks, a tender feeling came over me. They were all in couples, and they were saying their goodbyes, planning to meet again soon. I found myself imagining what it would be like decades from now, when I would meet Alyssa and Laura with their gray hairs and grandchildren. My mind went fast-forward into the future of going to each other's HOUSES (Wow! I'm gonna have my own house one day!) and talking about our children and grandchildren. I thought of the possibility of playing tennis... maybe.. never golf, though. I also was tempted to joke in my head about arranging my kids' marriages to Kym and Winmark's future kids. hehehe. :) They're gonna be of the same breed. ;) *insert Grow Old With You song* Hmm... I don't think I would mind this getting old thing after seeing those adorable white-haired folks. :)

Today, I had the chance to chat with one of my BFFs, Kym. We were talking about our work schedules and balancing time with family and "the man". Subjects such as "money" and "Aby's wedding" were also brought up. Again, I thought to myself, Whoa.. we really are growing up! We used to talk about our school crushes and homework and boybands. Now, we're talking about all these "adult stuff"!

When did this all begin?

My young life flew right past me!
Now my friends.. MY friends.. not my parents' friends.. are married, engaged, graduated, earning money, buying our own stuff, sipping wine, taking road trips-- unchaperoned!

Scary? Yeah, a little bit.
But--

I LIKE IT. :)

Jesus, You have been with me through it all...:)

"Damn, baby..." =)

2008-08-04T13:12:00.003-04:00

Thank You, Jesus!

I woke up today, said "good morning" to my room mate, Laura... and she said "It's real! It's reeeeeeal!" :) :) :) :)

Thank God it wasn't just a dream. :)

*dancing around the house*

--
To my girls..... like I said, "One day, it'll be my turn". ;)

*snaps*

Spino-Mauceri Wedding

2008-08-03T09:41:00.006-04:00

Click on it so you can see the bigger version! :)

I missed my girl friends. :) And I guess, Greg a little bit. Lol. :) It was a tiring but good night. It could've been sweeter if the guard wasn't so strict at the end of the night. =P
I'm happy for Kristin and Joseph! :)
...and happy for AJ and Azeb... hmm.. I should've uploaded those too! Next time. :D

Creative Arts

2008-07-31T00:02:00.007-04:00

Through our Japan trip, God has allowed me to rekindle my love for creative arts. People don't know this, but before I ever "pastored" anyone, Creative Arts was my first ministry. I remember the many dances I danced with Chrissy Lind, Janice Cheung, Kathy Jala, The Shaw Brothers, Jeff Romulo, Dave Roquel, Sarah Ong, Hannah Palencia, Stephy Sarmiento, Kay See, etc. Mostly every week during our JAM youth group days and at Times Square for special events... mission trips. :) I was also part of school plays, "human videos", and countless skits. On top of all that, of course, I was on the worship team.

Music. Dance. Acting.
The things that make the whole world stop.
I told my good friend last night (as he tried to comfort my emotionally disturbed PMS-ey self) that as I danced again at the studio... for an hour and a half, I forgot all my troubles. At that moment, all that existed were God, myself, and the people at that studio.

It was a great feeling. :)

A lot of people know that I want to join City Dance Corps' performance class for this term. I have tomorrow to sign up. Should I really sacrifice that much money for it? My heart leaps and says, "of course!" as I hear Shavar (one of CDC's choreographers) say "fasho! do it up!". But... my visa and the amount of money I have on my debit is another story.

Whatever happens, I've reopened a box that has been put away and dusty for a while now. It was labeled: CREATIVE ARTS. :)

Christianity is not a mere think-positive-and-look-at-the-bright-side-psych-yourself-up thing.

2008-07-30T23:46:00.003-04:00

Case in point: The Psalms.
Before the Psalmists were able to praise God for His awesome power, love, and grace, they had to let it all out-- their questions, anger, frustrations, laments. God could take it.

Yes, God can take it.

I think sometimes when we run into hard situations and, naturally (as expected of any human), get angry, feel sad, bubble up with fear, etc., we Christians way too quickly say, "What would Jesus do?" or "this emotion is not honoring to God". Hmm..Well, I think brushing it off with a big fake smile isn't honoring to God either. Now, don't get me wrong-- I'm all for that. But, I have been at this long enough to know that "shaking it off" doesn't equate to God and I really dealing with it.

I'm just saying... (and heck, I need some lessons on managing emotions)... God can take it. I think that's just it-- we need to take it up with HIM.

I am so grateful that God truly knows us.
Search me, O God, and know my heart, O Lord. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me to the way everlasting.

Excerpt from an email I just wrote. :)-- Sweet Silence

2008-07-26T10:20:00.001-04:00

I have been thinking about this-- how much silence scares me and makes me feel uncomfortable throughout the day (outside of my discipline, that is). But.. in the silence, my anxieties are... well... silenced by God Himself. In the sweet silence, I hear him more clearly: "Joanna, I AM". In the sweet silence, even here at Reception, I am made aware of myself, a sinner, passionately loved by my Maker and Saviour. :) He calls me.. He beckons me to "Come up here, my beloved... I have saved you and you are spared from my wrath".

I was just reading Revelation 16 and in the last bit, it said, "And they cursed God on account of the plague of hail, because the plague was so terrible". All I could do was ask God for His mercy upon me-- for all the times I got mad at Him for my situations. :( ..Father, have mercy on me, a sinner....... and in that silence, like I said.. my sins are brought to the light, but right away, He forgives. What amazing grace............................. I am undeserving.

"How can it be.. the scars in Your hands.. are for me..." - Hillsong United.
I am in tears right now... I am so grateful of this love and mercy that my wretched soul doesn't deserve... and what's more is that.. He takes my wretchedness and I am able to "trade these ashes in for beauty and wear forgiveness like a crown". ......................wow........

Let Me Not Forget My First Love

2008-07-18T08:13:00.007-04:00

Working on spiritual disciplines this summer has done me good. There was always excitement, wonder, awe, and delight with every silent morning alone with God; every scripture read.

Until the last few days.

At first I thought, maybe it's because I'm now in Revelation and I don't really know how to think about it or apply it to my life (I'm so glad I have that course this Fall!). So then I started to read a chapter of Brennan Manning's Ruthless Trust in the mornings too.

I was talking to someone about feeling apart from God even though I've been doing these disciplines each day... why God?...why do I feel distant and restless?

This morning, I went back and typed out some quotes from the book I didn't want to forget. As I was typing this particular quote I found the answer:

"We liken divine love to human love. The similarity induces us to think that we are getting a grip on God's love. And yet, though human love is the best image we have, it is utterly inadequate to express the love of the Infinite. Not because human love is too sugary and sentimental or because it is too passionate and emotional, but because it can never fully compare with that source whence it came-- the passion-emotion love of the Totally Other".
-p. 56

God passionately LOVES me. A Voice whispered to me the words I read in Revelation and ignored for myself, saying ever-so-gently: "You have forgotten your First Love". I knew what that was exactly about. This past week, I have been pushing myself to do these morning disciplines, but my motives became about me not about my Lord. I started off wanting to do these things for my love relationship with my Abba, but I let pride get in the way. If I am brutally honest with myself, this all became about ME being good... ME being oh-so-disciplined. And all this time, God just PASSIONATELY loved me. I hear Him calling out now: "My child, sit WITH me... Read WITH Me.Yes I am with you always.. are you with Me? I love you!"

Oh God, forgive me... I love you too... let me not forget my First Love.

I love my mentor.

2008-07-17T14:48:00.001-04:00

got my dumbo eyes back. :)

Moments

2008-07-17T08:13:00.005-04:00

:(

Still......

Lucky - Jason Mraz

This gift called laughter with friends. :)

2008-07-12T13:37:00.007-04:00

I've been meaning to post this for a while now...

On July 8, I came home from work and lunch with Nadine. Kaitlyn came over to borrow a dress, then Laura came home from her first day as a "Teacher Candidate". The three of us had a quick update time which is always good for our souls. :) After a little while, Alyssa came home, and there we were: room mates from 5 South back together. :) We decided to have dinner together-- Japanese style (on the floor, eating on a low table in our living room), with placemats and everything! It was Laura's first meal at our new home... and... she was hyper from the lack of sleep that night. That meant... lots of laughter and fun!

I thank God for the gift of laughter with great friends. :) It was a time of pure joy and delight-- not thinking about school, not thinking about "our boys" (for the most part), not thinking about anything else but the fun we were having in God's presence. What a beautiful night it was-- truly a gift from God. He knew I needed that. :)

I love my sisters.

This is why I'll never give up dancing.

2008-07-05T22:35:00.004-04:00

My mom was part of a dance group when she was younger, and I danced all throughout high school-- performances and all. I danced (performed) again (after years!) in Japan... and I just can't give it up...

Nostalgia at Niagra

2008-07-02T23:34:00.002-04:00

Nostalgia: n. A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past. (answers.com)

The past few days with my family has been sweet. It's always nice to be visited by loved ones from far away. Of course. That's a given.

But especially today, here at Niagra Falls, as I'm surrounded by beautiful scenery, lights, laughter, and as I see that love is all around us........ well, let's just say I'm singing the '80s song "Always Something There to Remind Me". And I'm not just reminded of "that special person". I'm also reminded of my old friends who I don't get to see anymore.

I find a tender kind of nostalgia overwhelming me here at Niagra. Not all the time, but there have been enough moments today... enough to make me blog about it.

Things change between people... I'm looking forward to the sweeter changes coming up in life-- whatever they are and whenever they come. With more nostalgic moments that will inevitably come up in life, I'm looking forward to more of the sweet part of 'bittersweet'. May the memories that we make tomorrow and the days after be sweeter than ever so that when we look back, we would look back with a smile. :)

Makes me wanna sing... "Everyday with You, Lord, is sweeter than the day before".

And... amidst the technology of text and emails and blogs that take us away from the people we are with now... I have to be intentional with this God-given quality time with my family. On that note, goodbye for now. :)

Ayumi Nakamura

2008-06-27T00:21:00.000-04:00

This is me with Ayumi and her two children. :)

Journal Entry: June 8, 2008

Last night at the concert, I couldn't keep my eyes off this mother (she had the cutest kids!-- Rio and Shona). I felt so overwhelmed by God's love for her and I told Jon, Jono, and Abby to be praying for her. Then I got Ruth to translate for me afterwards [so I could have a conversation with her]. I found out that her name is Ayumi. She had tears in her eyes as she was telling me that she usually can't hear well and that she was very happy and touched that tonight she was able to hear our music. I told her that God loves her and that as He has spoken to me, He wants to speak with her too. She was in tears... then she said that aside from her hearing, she was something else, but has been too scared to (go to the doctor?)... I told Ruth to tell her that in the Bible, God says that He knows every hair on our head... and that He even takes care of the sparrows so surely He can take care of her. Then I said that God wants to be involved in her life and I hope she gets to know him more. I then took a picture with her and told her that I will be praying for her from now on.

I know that God is mighty to save Ayumi.

---
On June 13, we had another concert-type event at the church. I was overjoyed to see Ayumi in the crowd. She came again! Afterwards, everyone had tea and desserts, and so I got to talk to her again. Naomi (the youngest child of the missionary family we stayed with) was our translator. Ayumi asked why I spoke to her the last time. I think she was really surprised and curious. Again, I told her that I was just so overwhelmed by God's love for her, and that when I looked at her God whispered that to my heart. Then I asked her about her condition and why she was afraid. We also talked about her family and she shared with me that she couldn't come to church because her husband was Buddhist. I got the impression that she was worried about a lot of things in life, and so I told her that if she will come to a church event the next day (Cross-Village), then I'd give her a Japanese bible with passages highlighted for her to read. She nodded and nodded and just stared at me. I was discouraged that night, wondering if she really understand what I was trying to communicate to her. Maybe she thought I was too young to be telling her such things, or that I am strange.
--
On June 14, I was busy all afternoon, baking some goodies for the event. At around 4:450pm, I remembered Ayumi and thankfully, Ruth (the pastor's wife) had an extra New testament with Japanese and English translations. I highlighted different passages for her, still wondering if she'd actually come. At around 5pm, just as I finished highlighting, Keeko, one of the church members came running into the kitchen looking for me. When she saw me she said, "Joanna, a lady called Ayumi is looking for you. She said that you have a Bible to give her and that you want to show her some passages!" My heart leaped with joy and I ran to meet her. She understood after all! I got Keeko to translate this time. Ayumi asked if I could write something in the Bible, and so I wrote that I believe God was calling her to Himself and that I hope the passages really speak to her. I also encouraged her to come back to the church and speak to the pastor and his wife if she had questions. She nodded and took more pictures with me. I knew in my heart that she really did understand. She is seeking God, and God will be found by her. :D

This is the story-so-far of Ayumi Nakamura... this is not the end. One day, we'll rejoice with her in heaven. :)

Emiko Auyama.

2008-06-25T16:50:00.000-04:00

I just received a letter from one of the members of the Ghents' church in Japan (Itayanagi). It's in broken English and I can hardly make of it, but I can imagine her smile and her true joy. Part of her letter said: "We are Christian... so we are fill up!" :) It reminded me of something she told me when we were there. She said now that we are Christians, we have joy everyday. :) She meant it. This is coming from a lady who struggles with some psychological problems.

This is a glimpse of the church God is building in Japan. Yes it takes YEARS for one person to come to Christ. But with that, I really saw the value of ONE to Christ. He would leave the 99 to find that one. The people really wrestle for years before making a decision to follow Christ, but once they do... they really do. And they pay the cost. They give up years and years of family traditions (including ancestor worship). And like Emiko, they believe that a life in Jesus means a real change. He turns our mourning into dancing... and we can have JOY. :)

Reflections after meeting the Shinto Priest

2008-06-25T15:15:00.000-04:00

I learned a lot about God’s power and love for Japan... I suppose this goes hand in hand with the lessons on humility. I can’t do anything, but GOD CAN. My heart breaks for these people who, all day long, cry out to a god who cannot hear, but GOD’s heart is bigger and stronger than mine. HE can accomplish all that He wants to accomplish with or without me here. I can’t save the world, but God can save. He is mighty to save. He will come and save. On my first morning in Japan, the Lord led me to Isaiah 43-45. Throughout the passage, these words kept repeating: “I am the Lord and there is no other”. I shared this to the Ichikawa OMF workers. As I read, I felt that God was sharing His heart with me for the people in Japan:

“’I call you by your name, I name you though you do not know me. I am

the Lord and there is no other, besides me there is no God; I equip you,

though you do not know me. That people may know, from the rising of

the sun, and from the west, that there is no other. I form light and create

darkness, I make well-being and create calamity. I am the Lord, who does

all these things….They have no knowledge who carry about their wooden

idols, and keep on praying to a god that cannot save. Declare and present

your case; let them take counsel together! Who told this long ago? Who

declared it of old? Was it not I, the Lord? And there is no other god

besides me, a righteous God and a savior, there is none besides me. Turn

to me and be saved, all the ends of the earth! For I am God and there is

no other. By myself I have sworn; from my mouth has gone out in

righteousness a word shall not return: ‘To me every knee shall bow, every

tongue shall swear allegiance’”. –Isaiah 45: 4-7, 20-23

This passage came back to me a few times during this trip—when someone from English class mentioned her Butsudan, when we visited the graveyard, when we talke to the Shinto priest. My only encouragement was that God is strong enough to save, and that as He has spoken, one day every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that He is Lord. I think my heart broke most for the very smiley and friendly Shinto priest as he told us of their ways. A lot of the things he said made sense and are really good things—maybe even how God intended things to be… but my heart broke and I was in tears… because he might be doing every “right” thing, but he did not have a real relationship with the one true God. I felt so helpless. May God have mercy! Just as Abby said, they don’t understand or really know of any other way than what has been taught. I still don’t really know the “theologically correct way to pray”. I understand that God has wrath and mercy… as we were told, one of the shrines got struck by lightning, and Jon and I were recalling the story of Elijah challenging the idol worshipers of his time. But… if Jesus was physically beside me, listening to that Shinto priest, wouldn’t He have tears in His eyes as I did? Wouldn’t His heart be filled with compassion (just like Matthew described it in his gospel)? I just kept praying throughout the trip that God would let me understand His heart and will more. Again, God is wayyyy bigger than I am. And that includes his heart for the Japanese people. It’s way bigger than my heart for the Japanese people, and even bigger than Ghento-sensei’s for the Japanese people.

"How was Japan?"

2008-06-24T21:12:00.000-04:00

It happened-- what I was trying to avoid the past few days, on the excuse called "jetlag". As I walked the halls of Tyndale University College and Seminary, every person who saw me, asked the question: How was Japan? First of all, it's hard to discern whether the person wanted to hear everything about Japan. I was adviced by Jess (one of my teammates) to prepare a 2 minute version and a 10 minute version. Well, what does that even mean-- how was Japan? Japan as a country? Japan, the trip? Well... I survived this day and it turns out that I ended up saying different things to different people. Maybe I should really pray that God would let me know which story to tell which person.

For those of you who hate reading blogs and are doing this just because I told you to, here is my point-form reply to your question. These are the big themes God showed me during this trip:

God is with me! God is with us! He has always been and always will be. I "knew" that before. I really get it now. :)
Even when I can't do anything, God can do everything. This means that even if "all I can do is pray"-- that is more than enough! That is the most important thing! He is the one who saves and moves in people's hearts anyway, not Jo Gorres.
Humility. Sometimes all that God wants me to do is smile at people. :)
I wrestled with God about going to this trip, and He won (He always does. :)) I'm glad.
I also learned a lot about love, marriage, and families in church during this trip.

There are so many specific stories I would like to share, so I think I'm going to post them separately-- about the church in Japan, the Shinto priest, and a lady called Ayumi. Coming right up! :)